november 16th

I was flabbergasted when she told me over the phone.

"i've started smoking again."

All that was running through my head was complete contempt. contempt for the action. i don't get it. i didn't get it. if fighting cancer for 2 years was not enough of a reason to stop, then what is?

realization. i didn't fight the battle. i wasn't the one getting depressed by all the medication and anti smoking pills. i wasn't there. so what can i say?

it's her fight, and i'm here supporting her.

this wednesday is a big day. is it gone? hmm...


i watched two documentaries yesterday about the jonestown massacre. i feel as though, looking back it is easy to label all of the supporters who moved to guyana as crazy. but today i watched a documentary about american evangelists, and honestly i didn't see much of a difference from them and the beginnings of the People's Temple.

I wish that America actually practiced the freedom of religion that it's people preach. There isn't a freedom of religion here. It's religious freedom as long as you believe that there is one God and that Jesus was God. We mock Muslims and Atheists everyday. Doesn't seem very free.

I got overwhelmed today watching the evangelism documentary. It was just completely absurd. But there is hope. Because as these preachers were speaking out the evangelists leading the country with their votes, I realized that they were defeated two weeks ago. And don't get me wrong, I realize that at times Barack Obama is not the symbol of change I wish he were, but it's a start.

codependency. flashes of. codependency.

break away.

I promised myself after last time, that I would always keep my life and keep independent.

it's what i will do.


overall, i feel magnificent. my health is great. i feel good.