what kind of progress have i actually made since then?

i'm lonely. i'm out of shape. and unattractive. and whiny.what was i thinking? i can't go to the party.

what would i prove if i go?

that i'm not capable of having someone care about me? that i'm not interesting, attractive, or intriguing enough for someone to be into me for more than a few moments? or maybe that i quit school and work full time in retail?

which one is the one that would make an ex be jealous?

i hope that success isnt measured by the amount of people in your life that you are able to tell anything to.
because right now i can't even make myself sleep because my insides are hurting.

my life is a mess. i'm a mess. a lonely mess.

you win. you always did.

i put my mind completely into my work, because it's the only thing that makes me feel worth something.

and i know that i'll figure it out. i just wanted you to see that i had figured some things out. i wanted you to see that i made it. i wanted you to see that even after you put me down so much, i was successful. i didn't want you to see that i still have baggage. and that sometimes i still think about you. and that things you told me still resonate within. and i didn't want you to see that i was a mess sometimes. i wanted you to see that i am happy.

fucking manic

but maybe i'm just mentally always trying to be the victim. what really gives life meaning?

i'd like a companion.

i still remember all the times in my life that i felt secure. i miss the safety of being with someone. the only time i ever sleep in complete darkness is with someone else. i don't sleep well alone.

i wish i had someone to talk to.

i can tell that i'm going into a rut. i'm eating more. i'm drinking more. im sleeping more. it's all a cycle. a fucking cycle i wish i could master. maybe it just all revolves naturally.

i'm not sure i could handle another heartbreak. mentally. i crush too easily.

i may have the lowest self esteem of anyone i know. or maybe we'll all just good at keeping secrets.

i don't have much more to type, but my body feels so heavy with thought. i think that i may just be over it. thinking that is.

i think that sometimes the best thing to do is to suspend thought all together. and just go through the motions for a while. until you start to care again.keeping up that constant routine is the only way to stay alive in these times.

i think i just want someone to read this and let me know i'm not really alone and that in the end it will be ok. and that i'll feel ok. and let me know that i also feel like this from time to time. and that it's normal.